Anxiety

Every time someone asks me about the scars I have on my arms my chest builds with anxiety. Since I was young I’ve been made fun of for the deep depression and anxiety I carry inside. No one understands, no one cares. I don’t have the courage to explain honestly to anyone where these scars came from because of the reactions I’ve gotten in the past. So when someone asks me what happened to my arm, I just say “I was young and stupid”. When the truth is, I was so depressed as a teenager. I was filled to the brim with anxiety I didn’t know how to handle. I never got the right help because I didn’t know how to ask. I didn’t even know I could ask, I just felt like something was really wrong with me. In middle school kids called me a suicidal freak, people were freaked out by me. In high school I handled my depression and anxiety by trying to fill myself up with false love and comfort from boys who would never really love me. Kids are mean, kids don’t know how to be supportive to something they don’t understand. As an adult, I still get mocked and made fun of for it. That’s the part that isn’t ok. I shouldn’t be made to feel like a freak because I have a mental illness. I shouldn’t be ashamed that I’m more emotional then the people around me. I shouldn’t feel bad that sometimes I need to be alone to just cry. When my leg shakes or I start to zone out it’s because I’m so inside my head that anxiety just takes over. I want to be enough the way I am. I know that being around someone who has as much anxiety as I do is hard. I want to be able to teach my kids to think before they make fun. That person might be suffering and what you say to them might just add to that. We all need to be able to support the people around us with mental health issues. We need to be brave.

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Denny’s parking lot Part two

Do you remember when we
Used to stop in the Denny’s parking lot
After we bought our fix?
At first I would just roll the 20 up for you
Until you taught me how to roll it on my
Phone in a bill with a bic
It used to only take two
That didn’t last very long
When you left for two weeks I still
Needed help to crush them
That night we fought on the phone
I thought I would never see you again
I hoped I would never see you again
I got one to get you off my mind
But even getting high wasn’t a good enough distraction
And now I have someone else I’m trying to forget.

Denny’s parking lot Part one

That night, we had another party. We all hopped into the car to meet
We were in charge of getting all the favors
We sat in a Denny’s parking lot.
We waited, we talked.
Bumps for the drive, we were on the road
But it wasn’t till 10:30 when we got home.

I used to be afraid to try it
Until the night you lined it up on my body
And it looked so pretty against my skin
So I took my first line and I was up all night with you, with them.

Then we drove to Denver
But the acid made us forget.
I peed outside the car.
We forgot about the coke.

When we left Denver we did lines in the car so we
Wouldn’t pass out.

In Daytona we met a bum named Jeff.
Jeff liked heroine, but he could get us our fix too..
Remember waiting by the bathrooms waiting,
Listening to the waves.
Waiting to be brave.
For our sweet white courage.

When we are older we will miss
Being high I. The back of
Our shitty van
In some city
We don’t call home.

Women like me

Women like me
Need men like you
To teach us to be brave.
I would like to learn your sorrow, your pain.
Learn all the vices that get you to tomorrow.

Women like me
Run scared without
Broken men like you.
Men who have used too many ‘addictions’
A few too many times, just like I have.

Women like me
Need to feel men like you.
Feel the tips of your fingers
And the spaces between them too.

Women like me
Need men who are scared to love,
To touch, to have fun.
Men who secretly need you
More than you need them

Women like me
Play with words
While men like you
Play with your eyes.

Women like me
Need men like you
To keep us begging
To keep us trying

Women like me
Will find another.
A man just as broken.
   – I will fall for his beauty
      His green eyes I will dig
      Deep into, to uncover his
      Sorrow.

This easy.

I miss your kisses
The shivers you left my body with
I remember the way you felt.
Come back to me please.
It doesn’t have to be this
Easy to say goodbye.

It shouldn’t be this easy
Not after all the years I held you close
All our secrets, our memories.

I’ve never opened up to anyone.
Especially in the ways I have with you. You’ve taught me what closeness is.

It shouldn’t be this easy
This easy for us to slip away.
Even though I touch your body,
You are just not the same.

I still choose to stay,
We’ve both had our chances.
I can’t be with you
Or without.

I’m anxious to admit
The severity in which I’m terrified
Of being alone.

If you weren’t worth it.

By now we know enough
By experience or just by luck.
I wouldn’t be stuck in this hell
If you weren’t worth it.
No matter the amount of times
I scrub my skin until its raw and red
I can’t seem to get your scent off.
Your breath lost in the crease connecting sweet spots
Your fingerprint I thought just temporary hasn’t budged a bit.

You said we’ll see what happens
But, we never did.